Yesterday was apparently Sunday, which means nothing to us, but some bloggers tend to field reader questions on said day of the week. One of our confused followers, who for some reason thought we cared about our dear readers, posed to us this important query:
Sometimes I get so drunk and/or lazy, that I don’t even feel like lifting and tilting back my champagne glass, even though I want to keep drinking. Do you have any suggestions?
Anonymous Points Envy fan, you came to the right place. This question comes up constantly, and it breaks our heart to hear that people aren’t better informed in this area. Thankfully, we have a tried-and-true solution to your woes, the key to which is literally right at your fingertips.
In our experience, all airlines outside of North America have modern, motorized seats in their first class cabins. For our method, simply bring the champagne to your lips and use the seat controls to lean back and cause the champagne to pour into your mouth. Unfortunately, this only eliminates the tilting portion of drinking champagne, but we are currently at work on a method that will also allow you to avoid having to lift the glass to your lips.
One of our longtime readers, DeShawndre Chen, submitted this video to us a few weeks ago to see if he was doing it correctly. Have a look:
While he is doing fairly well, he clearly should have consumed more champagne in a single sip. We therefore rate his performance 4/10, as he seems to be missing much of the point.
So there you have it! With a little practice you can perfect this method as we have; all you need is a first class seat. If you find that you do not have a motorized seat, make sure there has not been a terrible mistake (as has happened to us) or immediately switch to hard liquor in the hope that you will not have to remember the sad excuse for a flight you are on.
We hope all of our readers will make good use of this technique, as it makes us feel better about ourselves to know that we are improving others’ lives. Please send more reader questions our way at firstname.lastname@example.org or hit us up on Twitter.
As it turns out, crafting a proper noose is rather difficult. The parents we never had never taught us things like how to tie knots or even shoelaces, though the latter skill is of course useless when all you ever wear are airline slippers. Really, the only knots we’re familiar with are those in the pretzels in Lufthansa’s First Class Terminal. And so with suicide, as with all things in life, we simply gave up after our first couple attempts failed.
The only knots we know
Since the “incident,” we’ve had a lot of time to reflect. Last night, as we gazed at the sky through what is now a giant hole where we tried to hang ourselves from our trailer’s roof vent, we realized that this was G-d’s way of telling us that we should choose life. So what if we aren’t the only game in town when it comes to blogging about points and miles? We are clearly the best. And maybe it’s not so bad to spend our days flying around the world in first class and writing a trip report every year or so.
We’ve made mistakes along the way, perhaps a billion of them. But there is still some good in this world, like the new quarter of Chase Freedom bonuses that will net us at least 150,000 Ultimate Rewards points. We also recently realized that the oft-shat-upon United devaluation was really a blessing in disguise, as it will mean less riff-raff crowding our Star Alliance first class cabins, unsure of when exactly to change into their pajamas or whether it is appropriate to hit the call button before you even finish your current glass of champagne.
With eyes reopened and liver miraculously intact, our intention is to move forward with the vigor of a GE90. We may not always have fodder for posts or be sober enough to write, but our work here is patently bigger than us; it just might save the world.
After all, this is Points Envy, motherfuckers. Time to get some new assistants.
P.S. We are currently accepting applications for new assistants. Anyone ready to apply should be aware that virtually all qualified current Lufthansa, Singapore Airlines, Japan Airlines, Cathay Pacific, Qantas, Korean Air, Emirates, Etihad, British Airways, Turkish Airlines, Austrian Airlines, Malaysian Airlines, Asiana, and ANA stewardesses have already submitted applications.
Dear Dear Readers,
When we previously wrote that we were back, we truly believed it. But we now have a confession to make: for once, we were wrong. We have been out of the blogosphere for months, and this time it’s not because we were in prison or too busy flying first class (although there was a lot of that). Instead, we simply ran out of stuff to write about. It surprises us and crushes the soul a little to admit this, but writing about drinking champagne in first class and drinking champagne in lounges and fancy suites eventually gets old. Of course, not having anything original to contribute doesn’t stop some people, or others, or others, but we have always held ourselves to a higher standard.
So, entirely lacking in productivity, our lives became worthless. What would you have us do – get a job? That sounds dreadful and is simply not feasible for classics majors at any rate. As any reasonable person can see, our only remaining option is to leave this world. We still have a few hundred Home Improvement Gift Cards, which we believe should be enough to buy sufficient rope for a noose. We also believe that getting stuck with these gift cards was not a coincidence but a sign from G-d that it is time to go, particularly when seen in combination with the United devaluation.
And so dear friends, after all the ups and downs we have faced together, we bid you farewell. We tried to bequeath our points to our friend Ronnie, but it turns out we don’t technically own them. When we’re gone, those billions will vanish into thin air, like so many legacy carriers. Yet we prefer to just look at it like we are redeeming these final points for a one-way award ticket to heaven. Hopefully the first class arrival lounge up there meets our standards.
We at Points Envy care deeply about our readers; not enough to hold a points giveaway or do anything that requires us to spend money, but enough that we want to ensure you don’t make the same mistakes in the points game that others have. In this spirit, we have started a series of columns entitled “Pointless Points,” the first of which appears below. You are welcome.
Not so long ago, while researching seven-star hotels in the Maldives, we noticed a banner ad with the word “Points” in big, bold letters next to a picture of a moderately attractive woman. As it would be foolish not to click such a link, we ended up at the website for Weight Watchers’ new PointsPlus program.
For the uninitiated, which we hope is all of you, we’ll describe how the program works. In our experience, to be eligible, you must be overweight and lacking in self-control. Once you join the program and set weight loss goals, you are allotted a number of daily and weekly Weight Watchers points that you “spend” as you consume meals and snacks, each of which is assigned a point value based on its portion size and nutritional content. For example, you may be assigned 47 points a day, and a meal of chicken and rice would count for ten of those points, leaving you 37 points for other foods and drinks, or to save for later.
Who wouldn’t click on this image?
Given the amount of first class food and champagne we’ve consumed over the past decade, we could stand to lose a few pounds. So we signed up and, within one month, we had accumulated over 4,000 points by eating next to nothing (champagne costs zero points). Not soon after, we inquired at our local branch as to how many points it takes to attain elite status in the program, but they didn’t seem to know what we were referring to. After some more confused conversation, including lengthy tangents ranking vegetables and diet sodas, the branch manager revealed the horrifying truth: there is no elite status in the Weight Watchers points program.
The combination of this shocking news and our rapidly failing health caused us to collapse. Upon awakening a few hours later things got even worse, as we were informed that not only is there no elite status, but the Weight Watchers points cannot be redeemed for anything: no flights or hotels, no upgrades, not even a magazine subscription!
Are we asleep in economy class or something? Because this nightmare is the worst ever. Thanks for nothing, PointsPlus. Time to start eating again.
Points Envy is a travel blog with the biggest, baddest, bestest content around. Started by two points bros, about whom you can read in the About Us section, the site aims to offer readers the real scoop on the points game and the travel industry.