As it turns out, crafting a proper noose is rather difficult. The parents we never had never taught us things like how to tie knots or even shoelaces, though the latter skill is of course useless when all you ever wear are airline slippers. Really, the only knots we’re familiar with are those in the pretzels in Lufthansa’s First Class Terminal. And so with suicide, as with all things in life, we simply gave up after our first couple attempts failed.
The only knots we know
Since the “incident,” we’ve had a lot of time to reflect. Last night, as we gazed at the sky through what is now a giant hole where we tried to hang ourselves from our trailer’s roof vent, we realized that this was G-d’s way of telling us that we should choose life. So what if we aren’t the only game in town when it comes to blogging about points and miles? We are clearly the best. And maybe it’s not so bad to spend our days flying around the world in first class and writing a trip report every year or so.
We’ve made mistakes along the way, perhaps a billion of them. But there is still some good in this world, like the new quarter of Chase Freedom bonuses that will net us at least 150,000 Ultimate Rewards points. We also recently realized that the oft-shat-upon United devaluation was really a blessing in disguise, as it will mean less riff-raff crowding our Star Alliance first class cabins, unsure of when exactly to change into their pajamas or whether it is appropriate to hit the call button before you even finish your current glass of champagne.
With eyes reopened and liver miraculously intact, our intention is to move forward with the vigor of a GE90. We may not always have fodder for posts or be sober enough to write, but our work here is patently bigger than us; it just might save the world.
After all, this is Points Envy, motherfuckers. Time to get some new assistants.
P.S. We are currently accepting applications for new assistants. Anyone ready to apply should be aware that virtually all qualified current Lufthansa, Singapore Airlines, Japan Airlines, Cathay Pacific, Qantas, Korean Air, Emirates, Etihad, British Airways, Turkish Airlines, Austrian Airlines, Malaysian Airlines, Asiana, and ANA stewardesses have already submitted applications.
Dear Dear Readers,
When we previously wrote that we were back, we truly believed it. But we now have a confession to make: for once, we were wrong. We have been out of the blogosphere for months, and this time it’s not because we were in prison or too busy flying first class (although there was a lot of that). Instead, we simply ran out of stuff to write about. It surprises us and crushes the soul a little to admit this, but writing about drinking champagne in first class and drinking champagne in lounges and fancy suites eventually gets old. Of course, not having anything original to contribute doesn’t stop some people, or others, or others, but we have always held ourselves to a higher standard.
So, entirely lacking in productivity, our lives became worthless. What would you have us do – get a job? That sounds dreadful and is simply not feasible for classics majors at any rate. As any reasonable person can see, our only remaining option is to leave this world. We still have a few hundred Home Improvement Gift Cards, which we believe should be enough to buy sufficient rope for a noose. We also believe that getting stuck with these gift cards was not a coincidence but a sign from G-d that it is time to go, particularly when seen in combination with the United devaluation.
And so dear friends, after all the ups and downs we have faced together, we bid you farewell. We tried to bequeath our points to our friend Ronnie, but it turns out we don’t technically own them. When we’re gone, those billions will vanish into thin air, like so many legacy carriers. Yet we prefer to just look at it like we are redeeming these final points for a one-way award ticket to heaven. Hopefully the first class arrival lounge up there meets our standards.
We at Points Envy are what you might call apathetic when it comes to politics, at least in the sense that we don’t give a shit about it. But a Beltway insider friend of ours recently let us in on a little political rumor that caught our attention. Apparently, Republican candidate “Mitt” Romney plans to outlaw economy class on all domestic flights within these great United States if elected President.
While we are not otherwise even remotely familiar with Romney’s platform, this is an idea we can get on board with. In fact, we simply can’t understand why nobody has thought of this plan before. We have never actually flown in economy class, but we understand from our assistants that it is horrifying compared to first class, and that it even manages to somehow make business class seem inviting. If this is true, then Romney’s plan sounds like a no-brainier to us. Finally, everyone on board will be able to enjoy all the champagne they can handle, just as Marx and Ingles envisioned!
We want to remind you that this is just a rumor, but, as with all rumors, we are inclined to believe it is true. This news is almost exciting enough to motivate us to vote. Just think, once everyone is flying first class, each airline will soon have to introduce a new, extra-premium first class. Seeing as first class has been getting a little predictable as of late, we can’t wait to try out the new product!
The next step in premium travel?
Getting your family members involved in the points game is a great method for maximizing the total rewards available for all of you (or, occasionally, a surefire way to marital hell). Typically this means ensuring that you and your significant other both engage in regular churning. Other points fiends go so far as to get their parents and siblings involved, but this tactic requires that your parents and siblings not hate you, which is unlikely to be the case (statistically speaking).
For this reason, we at Points Envy sought out a more trusting and loving generation: grandparents. For the past several years, all of our grandparents have been churning credit cards for signup bonuses on the regular, helping to amass well over five million points of various character in the process. Given credit histories that go back to the beginning of credit histories and steady social security income, approval has never been a problem.
One of our grandparents has even been churning from the afterlife for more than a year now, thanks to a large freezer in our basement. The freezer was expensive, but we got it while Sears was offering 10x in the Chase Ultimate Rewards Mall. We plan to buy more when the time comes, seeing that they essentially pay for themselves in a matter of months.
Of course, not one of our grandparents has set foot on a plane since the 1970s, but that hasn’t stopped them from giving their grandchildren the greatest gift of all: first class travel.
Reader Ultimate Confusion writes in this week with an ethical query:
My spouse and I are planning to get divorced soon, and I’ve long been the person who manages our miles and points accounts. Basically, I’ve done absolutely everything for years while my husband reaped the benefits. As we approach the separation, I’m wondering if it would be wrong for me to secretly transfer as many miles and points as I reasonably can from his accounts to mine? Thanks for your help through these tough times.
First, we’d like to applaud Ultimate Confusion for maximizing the points earning power of love. If you are in a committed relationship with someone (or multiple someones), combining your card churning and spending powers is a great way to increase your total points and miles balances. Even if your significant other couldn’t care less about the game, he’ll appreciate your conservative use of his credit and spending when you fly him first class to Paris for a weekend jaunt.
But on to the ethical question at issue for our troubled reader. For an answer, we look to philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, who examined a similar situation more than five decades ago and concluded as follows: “Evil is the product of the ability of humans to make abstract that which is concrete.” We realize this bit of genius may not apply to your specific situation, but it can be incredibly useful in confusing your former spouse if he ever happens to raise the transfer issue. And if that doesn’t work, just start a discussion about how to properly pronounce Sartre’s last name. Be sure to include this picture:
Our final verdict: transfer away! In the worst case, you can use those points to escape to a clandestine location if you end up needing to hide from your vengeful former husband. That said, it is of course still certain that you will burn in hell for eternity; if not for the points transfer, then for the divorce. Best of luck!
Do you have a question of your own that’s itching for an answer? Send us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org!