You ever notice those annoying people who talk loudly on their phone in an annoying voice for hours on end about inane topics? We don’t, most likely because we are usually too busy talking on the phone to someone in our extensive and impressive social network to notice them. This humble introduction brings us to the topic of today’s op-ed: cell phones on planes.
Now, as always, before we get to the juicy meat of this debate, let’s look at a few facts to provide some context. Fact: Everyone who does not own a cell phone is dead or will die within three years. Fact: Economists agree that more than $34.4 billion is lost annually due to important businessmen and businesswomen not being able to talk on their phones while in the air. Fact: Planes are noisy and it is therefore necessary to scream when using a phone on a plane.
In light of this information, we believe that simple economics and logic dictate that phone usage should, and soon will, be allowed on planes. For those of you who still believe plane cabins to be a sacred, inviolable meditation space, we would like to invite you to the 21st century. Everyone here is always connected, whether you like it or not, and it is criminal to cut people off simply because they are inside a metal tube with a couple hundred other people. We have spoken with representatives from several large telecom companies, who are obviously the foremost experts on the subject, and every single one agreed wholeheartedly that phones should be allowed on planes.
Remember us? We would also like to fly.
In sum, we think it clear that phone usage on planes is inevitable and favorable. If you are the type who is continually annoyed by hearing other people’s conversations, it now appears your only viable option is to make one friend and then call that friend and complain to them about your phone issues. Or you can avoid airplanes. Either way, welcome to the future!
Fact: Terrorists have never hijacked an airplane when every passenger on board was carrying a loaded weapon. Fact: If airplanes had existed at the time, the founding fathers would have written the Second Amendment to make it clear that passengers have the constitutional right to carry firearms on planes. Fact: Firing a gun on an airplane is somewhat dangerous, but that dangerousness is clearly overcome by how awesome it is. [Ed. note: See Air Force One and other movies.] Fact: People who don’t like guns shouldn’t be flying on planes anyway.
We highlight the above facts as an introduction to today’s op-ed because we have noticed that people are not always fully informed when it comes to firearms and airplanes. With these facts in mind, we’d like to submit a simple solution to all of our airline security issues: every passenger over the age of twelve should be required to carry a firearm on every flight.
The future of air (and space) travel.
Some readers might balk at this suggestion, immediately assuming that the presence of guns on planes will lead to more violence in the air. To these readers we point to countless studies that have repeatedly shown that in a room of three angry people, fewer people are likely to die if every one of them has a gun than if only one or two of them has a gun. We are therefore confident that a widespread introduction of weapons would only effect a decrease in the number of shootings on board commercial aircraft.
In addition to the obvious security benefits, the cost savings would be enormous. We could get rid of most of the TSA, and Federal Air Marshals would no longer be required on every flight. Although a sizeable investment would need to be made in arming all passengers, World War II and other historical events have proven that this type of mass spending on weapons is a huge boost for any economy. Therefore, not only would we save money in the long run, but we would also likely end the current financial downturn.
Points Envy is currently at work on an official petition in support of this proposal, and we have also started to get in touch with our local representatives. If you would like to get involved, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
United Airlines. American Airlines. American Eagle. US Airways. Virgin America. There is one thing all of these airlines have in common: their names pay homage to the best country in the world. According to historical reports, Lee Greenwood was on an American Eagle flight when he was inspired to write God Bless the USA.
Now consider the name “Delta Airlines.” In stark contrast to our aforementioned patriotic brethren, Delta’s name not only omits reference to its American heritage, but it also sounds like some geometry or math term that no blue-blooded American should ever have to think about. To make matters worse, Delta is a key member in what is clearly the most anti-American of all alliances: SkyTeam. Need we remind you that this “Red Alliance” includes Aeroflot, China Airlines, China Eastern, China Southern, Vietnam Airlines and Air France. There are even Czechs and Romanians thrown in there, and God only knows what kind of hatred they harbor towards our beloved country. Please also note the “teamwork” implied in the alliance’s name, a clear euphemism for socialism.
On top of all this, Delta merged a while back with Northwest, the only other legacy carrier with an un-American name and red tail logos. Compare this to US Airways’ acquisition of America West, and you do the math. Let’s let Delta know they need to get with the stars and stripes if they want to earn our hard-earned American currency. At this point, the only reasonable step Delta can take to prove its patriotism is to officially replace its name with an image of the American flag. Informally, of course, we can call it “the airline formerly known as Delta.” Keep American skies American dammit!