For those of you who live in a state with medical marijuana, which should be all of you, Points Envy has uncovered a new method for manufacturing points that, to state it bluntly, puts everything Frequent Miler has ever written to shame. 2013 ICECDIAC’s here we come!
The plan is almost too easy:
1) Obtain a prescription for medical marijuana*
2) Find a dispensary that accepts credit cards
3) Purchase large quantities of medical marijuana using any credit card, gift card, or prepaid card
4) Sell the medical marijuana for cash
20) Use the cash to pay off your credit card bill
For those of you who need a little hand-holding, we explain each of the steps in further detail below.
Step 1: Obtain a Medical Marijuana Prescription
Finding a marijuana-prescribing doctor is almost as easy as finding a credit card affiliate link on a points blog. Simply pick up any free local paper and look through the ads near the back to find a doctor near you. Schedule an appointment, show up, and explain to the doctor that you have anxiety due to your low points balances and inability to find Vanilla Reload cards. Or you can mention back pain, nausea, idiocy, or just about any other ailment. Remember, if it’s an ailment, marijuana can cure it. Your cost for this prescription will likely be around $40, provided that you shop around and look for subtle keywords like, “GET YOUR CARD NOW – WE’LL BEAT ANY PRICE!”
Typical marijuana doctor advertisement
The entire (points) world is abuzz this week with the arrival of Bluebird, the newest Airbus model powered solely by the collective sadness of the French. (Zing!) No, Bluebird is allegedly the best thing since buying dollar coins from the U.S. Mint: a new scheme to manufacture “millions” of points. While the prospect of mere millions doesn’t usually entice us, we at Points Envy decided to spend a few minutes browsing other blog posts about Bluebird to find out what all the hubbub was about. Below we have compiled that information into a completely superfluous post repeating useful bits of what other bloggers that you follow have already told you. We are a points and miles blog, after all.
Bluebird seems to be a new offering from American Express, the folks who periodically give you money to not use a superior points-earning card. We can’t understand the real reasons behind their launching this product, but the key for the points world is that you can use Bluebird to pay for things you cannot normally use a credit card for, like your mortgage, credit card bills, and drugs (assuming your dealer will accept a check).
For the best value, all you really need to do is: (1) have a Chase Ink card that earns 5x Ultimate Rewards points on office supply store spend; (2) find an Office Depot that stocks Vanilla Reload cards; (3) purchase all of the Vanilla Reload cards in stock with said Ink card; (4) load Bluebird with said Vanilla Reload cards; (5) immediately withdraw all of the money from your Bluebird account at an ATM; and (6) head to the nearest club and have the time of your life, knowing you are earning five points for every dollar bill you use to make it rain!
So, there you have it. As Amex continues to roll back many of the most beneficial features of its cards, they appear to have thrown the points world a bone with this one. If history has taught us anything, Amex will soon cancel Bluebird and then also revoke the lounge privileges associated with its Platinum card, just for good measure. Get while the gettin’ is good points fiends! That is, until American Express gets sued by Twitter.
How well do you know your avian silhouettes?
Getting your family members involved in the points game is a great method for maximizing the total rewards available for all of you (or, occasionally, a surefire way to marital hell). Typically this means ensuring that you and your significant other both engage in regular churning. Other points fiends go so far as to get their parents and siblings involved, but this tactic requires that your parents and siblings not hate you, which is unlikely to be the case (statistically speaking).
For this reason, we at Points Envy sought out a more trusting and loving generation: grandparents. For the past several years, all of our grandparents have been churning credit cards for signup bonuses on the regular, helping to amass well over five million points of various character in the process. Given credit histories that go back to the beginning of credit histories and steady social security income, approval has never been a problem.
One of our grandparents has even been churning from the afterlife for more than a year now, thanks to a large freezer in our basement. The freezer was expensive, but we got it while Sears was offering 10x in the Chase Ultimate Rewards Mall. We plan to buy more when the time comes, seeing that they essentially pay for themselves in a matter of months.
Of course, not one of our grandparents has set foot on a plane since the 1970s, but that hasn’t stopped them from giving their grandchildren the greatest gift of all: first class travel.
Well, you got us. We tried a devious scheme and it almost worked, but those damn Windy City engineers and architects seem to have designed Chicago buildings well enough to keep our fellow points bloggers safe.
You see, we’re tired of being nationally and internationally famous for being the third-and-a-half-biggest travel blog in the world. We would like to move up to at least number two or, G-d willing, the top spot. And so when we heard the world’s top travel bloggers would all be gathered in Chicago for the big seminar, we saw our chance to make things right.
We are not old school gangsters, just classy gentleman of leisure. But we definitely wanted to kill the competition. So we thought back to an article about some guys in Abu Dhabi who learned how to control the weather. They were using their machinery to make rain in the desert for food or something, but we figured we could use it for something far more noble: a murderous tornado. But sadly, our mission failed, and the bloggers who actually have insight and real knowledge of the travel industry lived to write another day.
It was such a simple plan.
On the whole, however, the undertaking was not a total loss. We paid roughly $350 million for the machinery and setup, with $35,000 on our Sapphire Preferred and the remainder on our Platinum card (thanks for no limit Amex!), so at least we earned over 350 million points (350,037,450 after the 7% dividend on the Ultimate Rewards points). And luckily we’ve already found a buyer for the tornado machinery in executive producer and all-around nice guy Steven Spielberg, who begins shooting Twister 2: More Twisters soon. You read that right folks, Bill Paxton is not dead.
But if you know anything about the editors here at Points Envy it is that we never give up. Maybe next time, the elite bloggers of the points world won’t be so lucky….
Sorry about the hiatus, but you should all know – heroin is great! Seriously, if you haven’t tried it yet, you’re missing out. However, you can’t buy heroin on a credit card, and the only thing more addictive than heroin is the sweet, sweet points game. Until heroin is legal and you can charge it to the prepaid Visa card that you got 5% cash back on at an office supply store, as you can with alcohol and marijuana, it’s with a heavy heart that we dismount the white horse.
If there is a god, someday there will be a card with heroin rewards.
Please, Chase, make this happen.
In a huge win for the frequent flyer community, a Dallas man became an instant hero Sunday night at a local 7-Eleven after foiling a robbery attempt with his Chase Sapphire Preferred card. “I was just buying some Fritos, planning on using my United MileagePlus card because of a targeted 1.5x miles on every dollar spent,” said Reginald Logan. “But when I saw this guy pull a gun on the clerk, I instinctively reached for the Sapphire Preferred.”
Thinking Logan was simply grabbing his preferred method of payment, the robber turned his attention back to the clerk and things were over in no time. During a subsequent police interview, the robber stated he was hit over the head with a large blunt object, but video evidence shows that Logan simply threw his Sapphire Preferred card at the back of the holdup artist’s head. “He dropped just like a sack of Idaho potatoes,” continued Logan. “I picked up my card, wiped off the blood and then proceeding to pay for the Fritos with my United card. Nothing was going to keep me from my Frito Pie.”
Our hero’s preferred choice of crime-fighting fuel.
In a press release yesterday, Chase praised Logan’s heroic actions, but the bank was also obviously concerned about the Sapphire Preferred’s potential as an instrument of violence:
We cannot thank Mr. Logan enough for his brave actions and for his many years as a loyal Chase customer. We consider all of our cardholders to be heroes, but Mr. Logan has outdone himself this time. That being said, we would like to caution others against attempting to use the Sapphire Preferred card as a weapon, whether stopping crimes or committing them. Chase in no way condones such violence, as is made crystal clear in the “Inappropriate Uses for Your Sapphire Preferred Card” section of every cardholder’s agreement with us.
Intrigued by the press release, Points Envy took a closer look at our Sapphire Preferred card agreement today, and it does in fact state that the card is not to be used to commit any acts of violence or rebellion. Additionally, it makes clear that the Sapphire Preferred is not to be used as a jack when changing a spare tire, a bullet proof shield for your other cards, or the foundation for a small house.
Chase can put any ridiculous restrictions they like in the agreement, but we at Points Envy take our hats off to Mr. Logan this week for making the world a slightly less horrible place. We would also advise that he send Chase a secure message requesting a nice chunk of Ultimate Rewards points as a thank you for the free publicity. New vigilante points-earning scheme anyone? YMMV.
News has been making its way around the blogosphere this morning that we are all going to pay for Chase’s recent bender. As reported by Lucky and Daraius, it seems the current Ink Bold offer is set to get worse due to an increase in the minimum spending requirement from $5,000 to $10,000. We therefore send this advice out to all of you enterprising young businessmen and businesswomen: jump on it now!
The anticipated raising of the minimum spend is in line with the recent trend of big bonuses being tied to high spending requirements, exemplified most recently by the new Capital One Venture and British Airways offers. Given the spending habits of our business (I will be expensing the two bottles of Veuve Cliquot I drink while writing this post), we don’t personally think this will be such a big deal. But for those of you with “businesses” selling old CDs on eBay or buying used IKEA furniture on Craigslist, that extra $5,000 could be a dealbreaker.
Dip your pen in Chase’s ink before it’s too late!
So dear readers, if you do not already have an Ink Bold card, we encourage you to get one before these changes are fully in effect and the card is only within the province of the one percent. And for those readers who are the one percent, we look forward to seeing you tomorrow in first!