Points Envy is proud to announce today that Points Envy has officially sold out! We’ve been waiting for this day for years, specifically since sometime in 1996, and now we’ve finally made it!
Allow us to explain. Not too long ago we got drunk and ended up on an Air Tahiti Nui flight. We woke up on a sublime beach, pleased to see that our superb decisionmaking skills had come through yet again. As we scanned the beach for a bar, specifically one selling those coconut cocktails with cute umbrellas in them, we noticed a gentleman wearing nothing but a swimsuit, glasses, and a bowtie. We quickly realized it was Daraius from Million Mile Secrets, and we knew what we had to do.
We followed Daraius back to his overwater villa and ran surveillance on him and Emily for several hours. Eventually they left for dinner, and we seized the opportunity to take a saw to the posts supporting their villa. Unfortunately, Tahitian saws are not the sharpest and we also have no idea how to properly wield tools, so we only got about halfway through one of the posts before the Dubash Duo returned.
Daraius immediately recognized us from the most recent Frequent Traveler University and calmly asked us inside. After hearing a long, convincing speech that started with the threat of having us arrested, continued with a proposal that we write for Million Mile Secrets, and ended with the phrase “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” we laughed. Clearly we could beat ’em. But we were also in a tight spot.
Then we got to thinking that joining forces might not be such a terrible idea after all. If this pattern held, there would soon be only one points and miles blog remaining, presumably named something like “Frequent Million Mile at a Time Envy View from the Frugal Mommy Points Guy.” If we got in now, we could ensure that Points Envy would play a huge role in that domination. After several bottles of champagne, Billion Mile Secrets was conceived.
To celebrate, we’re holding a contest in which our cleverest readers can win a United Club pass or a $50 American Express gift card! All you have to do is let us know what you love most about Points Envy by commenting on the inaugural Billion Mile Secrets post, tweeting at us with the hashtag #BillionMileSecrets, and/or sleeping with us.
We’re very excited about this joint, and even more excited about the party we’re throwing in Air France first class tomorrow to celebrate it. Vive la Points Envy! And vive les Billion Mile Secrets!
We never thought we’d see the day, but it looks like US Airways Dividend Miles that are bought or shared will not earn a 100% miles bonus for the time being. The most recent promotion, a 100% bonus on purchased miles, which had followed a promotion offering a 100% bonus on shared miles, which had followed earlier, similar promotions, ended last Friday after being extended by a week. The points world of course expected an announcement from the airline regarding another extension of that offer or a new 100% bonus offer, but no such announcement came.
We wouldn’t get too concerned over this “loss,” however, as there are rumors that US Airways plans to celebrate the arrival of this Thursday with a brand new 100% bonus miles promotion. Also, these promotions never have been and never will be a good deal. To summarize our feelings, we wrote a haiku:
For those of you who live in a state with medical marijuana, which should be all of you, Points Envy has uncovered a new method for manufacturing points that, to state it bluntly, puts everything Frequent Miler has ever written to shame. 2013 ICECDIAC’s here we come!
The plan is almost too easy:
1) Obtain a prescription for medical marijuana*
2) Find a dispensary that accepts credit cards
3) Purchase large quantities of medical marijuana using any credit card, gift card, or prepaid card
4) Sell the medical marijuana for cash
20) Use the cash to pay off your credit card bill
For those of you who need a little hand-holding, we explain each of the steps in further detail below.
Step 1: Obtain a Medical Marijuana Prescription
Finding a marijuana-prescribing doctor is almost as easy as finding a credit card affiliate link on a points blog. Simply pick up any free local paper and look through the ads near the back to find a doctor near you. Schedule an appointment, show up, and explain to the doctor that you have anxiety due to your low points balances and inability to find Vanilla Reload cards. Or you can mention back pain, nausea, idiocy, or just about any other ailment. Remember, if it’s an ailment, marijuana can cure it. Your cost for this prescription will likely be around $40, provided that you shop around and look for subtle keywords like, “GET YOUR CARD NOW – WE’LL BEAT ANY PRICE!”
Typical marijuana doctor advertisement
We would like to thank all of our readers who submitted votes for our first annual travel blog contest, particularly those of you who voted for Points Envy. Many of this year’s categories were incredibly close, but, as in life, we were forced to separate the winners from the losers. Without further ado, here are your 2012 “If Christopher Elliott Can Do It Anyone Can” contest winners.
Best Points Blog of 2012: Points Envy
With their fantastic wit, unparalleled insight into the points game, and impeccable grammar, Points Envy were the clear favorite to win this category for 2012, and likely every year to come. We congratulate Points Envy and will celebrate their victory by drinking heavily.
Best New Blog: Points Envy
Given their expertise and many lifetimes’ worth of wisdom, it’s easy to forget that Points Envy has only been around since March of this year. And they didn’t even post any content between the months of May and September, as they were in the bowels of humanity on a heroin binge. Yet natural-born talent combined with a minimal amount of effort always triumphs in the end, and the site took the prize for Best New Blog this year. We congratulate Points Envy and will celebrate their victory by drinking heavily.
Best Deals: The Frequent Miler
We were astonished that Points Envy didn’t take this one too, but, however unwisely, the readers have spoken. We were somewhat consoled in our loss by the quality of the competition, as The Frequent Miler does have a tendency to revolutionize the points game from time to time. For the time being, we too are thankful for our failure to assassinate him, though we do still plan to kill the travel blogging elite before too long (excluding ourselves, ideally).
As we mentioned in our most recent Week in Review, we were really excited to attend this weekend’s Frequent Traveler University in Los Angeles. We’ve been tweeting enthusiastically about the event and looking forward to meeting our fans and fellow travel bloggers (a subset of the aforementioned fans).
Today, after waking up from an epic night of partying with the Japanese crew from our flight to L.A., we decided to head over to the Sheraton Gateway Hotel LAX. Of course, we stopped first for a quick breakfast of six (or maybe more?) bloody marys. Eventually we found our way to FTU, but we were stopped by someone sitting behind a table as we tried to enter. This “person” told us that we were not on the list for the event, to which we responded with the usual, “Do you know who we are?!”
Of course they knew who we were, but apparently there is a $99 registration fee for the event, a fee that clearly should have been waived in our case. This was heartbreaking: $99 just to hear some alleged “experts” teach us about things we already know? Still, we wanted to meet some people while we sobered up, and we have some credit card spending requirements to meet, so we agreed to pay. We were then informed (for the fifth time, supposedly) that the event was sold out. We again yelled, “Do you know who we are?!” While this has always worked for us in the past, especially at higher volumes, in this case we were simply asked to leave.
Before departing, however, we made a quick trip down to the basement, where we were able to put into action our latest attempt to take over the travel blogging industry. All we needed was a few minutes of access to the hotel’s plumbing and things were set. Unfortunately, judging from #FTULAX tweets, it’s clear that someone noticed our tampering and shut off the entire water supply before we could take care of the competition.
Needless to say, for many reasons, we will not be showing our face at the Sheraton Gateway Hotel LAX for a while. We will, however, be chillin’ on the Frequent Traveler University frat row later tonight if anyone wants to play some beer pong and help us hold auditions for our new assistants.